Melting Brain

My big goal this last few months has been “making space for myself”, per my therapist.  Finding who I am.  Doing what I need to do to feel comfortable.  And I have been doing that.  Until orchestra hit with a vengeance.  I was doing just fine balancing work, the new Man Friend™, and daily practicing.  A few weeks ago my peaceful balance was disrupted by orchestra-related performances.  I’ve pretty much found myself on almost a month straight of rehearsals, concerts, and panic reed making to replace the reeds I ran into the ground this last series.

But hey, I got my face on a poster so there’s that!  Said poster:


Anyway, I’ve kind of felt a bit of a crunch, and find myself back at my “old” stressed out self.  Lashing out.  Feeling tired.  Feeling super overwhelmed.  I do have much better mental tools to handle it now, so when I hit those walls I’m able to push back and pick up without crumbling.

There are so many things that are better.  I can now go and face people in person.  I feel this driving need to get out of my house at least once a day – even if it’s just for a run.  I can be social.  I don’t feel so crushed or broken.

I’ve run face-first into some memories from my previous relationship lately.  It wasn’t the whammy I was expecting.  I’m not hurt anymore.  It doesn’t cause me distress.  I’m more analytical.  And today I threw out something that’s been nagging me.  And you, you unfortunate reader of this blog, will get to relive some of what I had put up with.

So when you move someone into a very small house, you find you need places to put shit.  In this case: the bathroom.  It’s super small, and not a lot of storage.  So I got this rack to put in the bathroom.  Stuff went on it.  It was good.  Until the other person comes home blackout drunk at 1AM.  He went out and got trashed, came home, decided he had to pee.  Because he could hardly stand up straight, he grabbed the rack, and then he fell over.  And took the rack and everything on it with him.  Oh, and somehow on the way down he pulled the lid off of the toilet.  So after the racket woke me up, I went into the bathroom to find the rack knocked over, all of the stuff on the floor (or broken), and the lid from the toilet shattered.  And a very blasted man who should have thanked his lucky stars he didn’t break his neck.  I was lucky that day to not be treated to another angry drunk tirade.  He went to bed and passed out, while I got to clean everything up.  Since then, I’ve looked at that rack and hated it. I hated the memory.  I hated that it was there when I didn’t need it anymore.

Today it went in the trash.  That felt so good.

So on to some updates:

  • Yep, shit ton of orchestra
  • Duet with Josue went amazingly well.  He’s the best duet partner, tons of fun!  We have one more performance, then we put Bach to bed
  • Man Friend™ is definitely a thing.  I’ve introduced him to a few of my friends.  He’s fun.  I enjoy the time we have together, even if it’s brief some days.
  • My yard is a disaster.  Oh god, a huge disaster.  I need help!
  • Running is still spectacular.  Improvements are very tiny, but overall I’ve cut off tons of time per mile, and tons of weight.  Definitely a correlation between how much weight I carry and how fast I can run.
  • Weight in general is under control.  I’m still on the chunky side, but a lot thinner (two sizes), and I’ve got stamina for days.  I feel good.
  • Salem has not run off again. She’s less grounded now, but I keep an eye on her.  She also managed to “lose” two of her collars.  Pretty much the worst cat.

That’s all I have to say today.  I know the post meandered, but my reminder to write went off this morning so this is what you get.  Enjoy!


Good Vacations

It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a good vacation.  And lately I feel like I’ve had a vacation from my old broken self.  There’s a lot of reasons for that.  I think first and most important was taking the time to invest in myself.  At least, that’s what I’ve called therapy. Because I did it, despite the expense, I feel like I have a grip on everything now.  And if it’s hard to handle, I can talk it out.

A few weeks ago I decided to try dating again.  It was not so much for the purpose of filling a hole in my life or rebounding or anything like that.  It was more like: I have a handle on me, I have a handle on my life, and I’m getting a little bored being solitary.  I thought it might be nice to get out and meet other people.  Have some conversations.  Do some fun things.  So I went for it.  And surprisingly, it was short lived.  I filtered through the usual weirdos.  And I scored a date, but boy was that a hot mess – the guy was this bizarre combination of everything I really didn’t like about my last couple of boyfriends.  And for the love of everything he wouldn’t stop talking.  Mostly about everything he believed and how if you didn’t believe that you were wrong.  That man hit all the no-nos of a first date:  He thoroughly covered his ex wife, religion, and politics.


(Per the greatest cartoonist evar, The Oatmeal)

When that date was over, I went home and fired up Ye Olde Dating App, and sent a message to this guy – he had a picture of a rusted out car in Bodie.  I thought the car was neat, and saw familiar things in his other pictures.  I kind of figured we weren’t quite a match based on what he wrote, but he was interesting.  My brain said: why the hell not and I fired off a message.  He replied.  And then we went on a date.  And then a few other dates/events.  Then, at his suggestion, a Memorial day weekend road trip.

The road trip was the vacation for me.  We had no real plan – just go and then sort out what we wanted to do as we went.  We were relaxed – I jokingly call him my human prozac because he has that effect on me.  He makes me live in the moment, which as any of you who actually read this and who know me are well aware that’s quite a step from my control freak nature.

So we hiked.  We ate crab cakes.  We did a tour of my old digs in Oakland.  Went to see my cousin.  I played my oboe for his parents.  We drove, we chatted, we stopped when we needed to.   I’ve not been on a trip like that on a long time.  There was no agenda, just mutual agreement.  My vacations the last few years were not so much that, and towards the latter end of my previous relationship they were full of land mines and fights.  This was different.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post. I guess I’m trying to say that things are good, and I’m having a really nice life right now.  I’ll make no prognostications about this nice man that I’ve met, nor plan beyond the next road trip with him right now.  I just know that I’m ok, and this is ok, and while it may be soon it doesn’t feel soon, and I’m good with it.

So, to tie this up:  that slavedriver of a man made me climb the majority of Mount Tamalpais two days in a row.  The first day was all fog and when we got to the top I didn’t even realize we were there.  The second day I thought he was just torturing me, and I’ll admit I did a bit of whining at the beginning.  But we climbed forever, and then we hit the overlook and this is what I saw:

2016-05-30 09.05.07

I still told him he was a slavedriver, but I was happy he made me do it.  That’s the SF bay in the top left.  Pow.

Grounded for Life

We all know I’m a cat lady, and I have cat lady things to share.

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About 10 days ago, my cat Salem vanished.  She must have gotten run off by a dog, or spooked.  Generally, her little jaunts are temporary (few hours), but this time she stayed gone.  Every night I put out a sweater of mine, some water, and a bowl of food on the back porch in the hopes she’d turn up.  I had almost given up on her returning – it’s not like her to vanish for days on end.  The most she’d disappear was 5 hours, and she’d usually show up howling by the back door around midnight when she realized it was cold outside.  At any rate, 10 days after she went missing, I’m doing dishes when I hear a ruckus by the back door.  She then comes streaking into the house followed by Jack and Spot.  Completely unexpected, but I’m so happy she’s home.   She was pretty dusty/dirty, and she’s very thin – I mean, she was scrawny to begin with but you can actually feel her bones right now.  I’ve kept her trapped in the house for now while she rests.  She’s mostly eating and napping right now, but she gets lonely really easy and cries if she can’t see any of us.  As long as Spot is sleeping next to her on the bed she’s a-ok.  Other than that, nobody seems to pleased with their confinement (Spot is currently howling in the kitchen because I won’t let him out).  She’s grounded so all of them are grounded!  Also, Salem has tracked in every pollen out there with her, so my sinuses are pretty miserable right now.

End Cat Story.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to try dating again.  I was getting a little bored and fidgety trying to keep myself occupied.  I’ve been running.  I’ve found little things to do here and there.  I’ve spent tons of time in the garden.  I planned a vacation.  I’m practicing a ton.  Still, it’s a very quiet and solitary life, so I thought it would be nice to get out and meet some new people.  I went back to Ye Olde Dating Site and threw up a profile with pictures of my oboes, pets, and green hair.

This time, though, things will be far different.  There will be no more “well, I guess it’s ok” or “I suppose I can deal with that” when looking at certain aspects of people.  I’ve not pigeonholed myself so much that I’ll never find some strange ideal that will forever only exist in my head.  I have, though, learned to spot the things that really don’t work for me.  Therapy has been such a good thing for that.  I know myself better than I ever have before, and I know what I need, and above that I know what I deserve in life.  It’s not an ego thing.  I do not think I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  But I am also not such a bad person that I can’t choose for myself because the most I can hope for is for somebody to like me.  This self esteem thing is really interesting.

Point is, I actually did meet someone, and been seeing him for a very short while so far.  The thing I like the most about him is that he’s a lot like me, where we both enjoy our personal time and our routines.  So I get plenty of the space that I need, especially right now.  Getting out of the house and routine are things that we both appreciate, so we’ve planned a couple of excursions already, just to do them.  And he likes me for who I am.  If it goes well, great.  If not, I’ll have a buddy to go do fun things with for a little while.

Other than that, garden is in good shape.  Everything I planted took, except the kale. It was so happy last year.  However, the ones I got were a little sickly, and didn’t handle the shock from planting.  Oh well.  Here, have a picture of the side yard, it’s pretty.

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What was I thinking

Everybody makes poor decisions.  I’ve made plenty, however I am just fine with laughing at myself over them.

On Sunday I ran 3.75 miles.  Got home super energized.  I had planned on making breakfast when I got back (eggs, toast), however my endorphin-charged brain decided that was an insufficient meal.  So I cleaned up, chugged some v-8, and headed to Trader Joe’s.  Begin poor decisions.  Everything looked SO DELICIOUS.  I wound up buying several good for me delicious things.  And a lemon cake.  And a container of ice cream.  I will be running a lot to make up for it.

Spring came back.  I’m thinking we’re out of the overnight freezes.  My goal this week is to get the sprinkler system up and the sprayers working, and start prepping for planting this weekend.  I had to buy a new hose for the front yard.  The cheap one I got last year lasted exactly one year.  This would be why I don’t buy things from wal-mart.  And probably why I shouldn’t drive over it to get into the garage.  And probably why I should have unhooked it for the winter.  In my defense, the previous hose lasted far longer!!!

On to better decisions…

I agreed a couple of weeks ago to play a Fasch concerto for flute and oboe, with me doing the flute part.  It’s a bit high.  Ok, a lot high.  However, I saw it as a challenge and got to work.  Current assessment:  definitely high, but manageable and sounds pretty decent.  It also has the added bonus of giving me some quality time with that range on my oboe.  I don’t get to exercise it much with baroque music.

In addition to that duet, I’ll be playing another one with Josue Casillas.  We’ll be reprising the Bach duet I did with Elizabeth Pitcairn back in February.  I expect my face to fall off at the end of each concert, but I think I’ll be in good shape and ready to attack it when the time comes in June!

I found a 20 week marathon training program and started it this week.  This is the easy portion (4 runs a week).  I can do that.  So the big question becomes, which half-marathon am I going to tackle?  I haven’t figured that out yet, so until I decide I’ll probably be repeating sets of weeks until I figure out what I should be doing.  Or I might just pick a set of weeks and repeat them endlessly.  I’m not in a huge rush either way.  The important part for me right now is just the running part – it’s been a significant portion of my therapy.  It’s just nice to go out and pound the pavement until my problems fade away.


Maybe another half marathon?

Many moons ago I ran a half marathon.  I think I want to try it again.  I’m back up to 3/3/3/4 miles a week.  Granted, my running is still pretty slow.  However, it was slow the last time I did it, and I eventually got my speed up to something reasonable.  The thing I like the most about doing it is my brain is pretty much 95% endorphins all the time.  The thing I dislike is the amount of time it takes.  I have to be strict with myself, and run whether I feel it or not.

I’ve booked the first week schedule starting for next week.

It’s time to farm

This year I’m going to scale it back a bit and stick with what is successful:  Kale, tomatoes, squash, cucumbers.  I’m also going to get more berry bushes.  I may or may not try basil again.  I’ve only ever once managed to get it to grow successfully.  I think I found the right place for it this time, but I don’t think the ground was kind to it.  So I’m going to try the same spot again, but stick with pots.

I’m hoping the apple trees make it.  They are starting to bud, right on time for the next freeze.

Flat Pianos

This is more of a gripe, really. Let me tell you a story about the oboe.  Unlike most other instruments, you cant just “pull out” things to make it flatter.  Oh sure, I remember my band teachers telling me to pull out my reed.  When I grew up I learned that makes hardly a dent in the pitch.  The oboe is so dependent on the reed that all the wishing in the world won’t make it play in tune unless you make it to play in tune.

I make my reeds at A-440.  There’s some range in there – I can usually pull it 15 cents in either direction with my embouchure when required (and believe me, it’s required when the trumpet section gets excited and goes sharp).  But there’s a limit, and I hit that like a brick wall this week.  I’m doing a gig with a choir in Tahoe.  It’s actually a lot of fun – we’re playing Puccini.  It’s not a full orchestra, so it’s being supplemented by the piano.  . And the piano is about 18-20 cents flat.  I’m not sure if it hasn’t been tuned, or if it was tuned by someone that forgot to reset the tuner calibration.

Point is, I came in with my nice A-440 reeds and I was ridiculously sharp compared to everyone else.  I wound up gutting my reed mid-rehearsal to drop the pitch down to painful levels.  So, I did finally manage to flatten the reed enough to make it work, and in the process I may have killed it.  I give it two practice sessions tops before it curls up and dies on me.

Moar Concertos

I get to do the Bach duet again (the one I did with Elizabeth) in June.  This time with Josue Casillas covering the violin part on flute.  Finally, a chance to take another stab at that long and meandering second movement I didn’t get quite right in January.

And to make it all more amusing, we’ll be doing a piece by Fasch.  Flute and oboe duet.  Except I’ll be playing the flute part on that one.  I am on board with this idea because this has some tricky work in the upper register, and it will give me a chance to give it a workout.

I’m going to have to practice a lot to pull all of this off!


I’m going on another one, YAY!  I wanted to go to Greece.  However, scheduling and timing failed me, so I’ll be hitting Spain, France, and southern Italy.  I’m sure I’ll see a few of the required sights, but quite frankly I just want to be chill, enjoy some of the luxury, eat too much food, and fly home so fat that they charge me an extra baggage fee for my ass.


I don’t have much time nowadays to burn on games, but now and then I give them a whirl if they are interesting enough.  I have a pal that had pestered me (forever) to play Bioshock.  Then he gifted me the games – Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite.  I tried to play Bioshock, but it was so spooky I couldn’t get past the first few levels.  A few weeks ago I was bored.  House was super clean. I had nowhere to be, and I wanted to do something fun.  So I opened up Bioshock Infinite.  And started playing.  It wasn’t scary at first – and by the time the blood and gore started I was so hooked I couldn’t stop playing.  I’ve played a good chunk of the game to date, and I’m really enjoying it.  And once it’s done I’ll probably go back to Bioshock and try that again.  It’s really nice finding a new game to enjoy.  It’s been a while.


I’ve been reflecting a lot on the general quietness of my life.  It’s been around 3 months that I’ve been on my own again.  I’m still talking to my therapist.  I’m slowly but surely finding myself and the things I like to do again.  Finding new hobbies.  Finding new things to do.  Taking care of little projects I’ve missed out on over the last year when I was more or less broken.

I do feel lonely sometimes.  I feel regret that things turned out the way they did, and I feel sad for what I’ve lost.  And I am also extremely grateful that it all happened this way so I could have my own personal spring.

That’s all I have to say about what’s floating around in my head.